In An Instant... Everything Was Different

There's been a reason for the silence around these parts and I'm hoping that finding myself back into a "normal" routine will be cathartic. Two weeks ago today I was nine weeks pregnant and two weeks ago today I lost my baby. This was our first baby and we were over the moon! On December 30th I was let go from my job of six years, on the 31st we found out that we were expecting. Life was crazy and exciting and it was so obvious to us what God's plans were. As the weeks progressed I felt amazing... like I was one of the lucky ones who were meant to be pregnant. No sickness, no food aversions... I even started showing around seven weeks and had to get some maternity pants. I loved it! Then at eight weeks I had some light bleeding but nothing that was alarming, no pains to accompany it. Ryan thought it best to let the Dr know and so he asked me to come in a couple of days later for a sonogram and blood work.

(5 weeks along)

Oh, how excited I was to be able to hear the heart beat, maybe even see the precious baby floating around in there. I really wanted to leave with a sono picture for the pregnancy journal that I had been keeping. That morning we went in feeling nothing but joy... once the sono started all of that changed. During the sono there was no sound, no discussion, no eye contact. Was this normal? We've never been through this before so we didn't know what to expect but in my heart I knew something was wrong. Even if the baby was still too small to see I knew they would have let us hear something.

(5 Weeks Preggers)

Afterwards, we headed to the Dr's office down the hall and as they took my vitals I saw something written in red ink on my chart. It appeared to say DCN...my heart sank. I tried to calm myself and just wait for the Dr and when he came in the room his face said it all. The baby had stopped growing two weeks or so ago and there was no heartbeat, no viability for life and a D&C was scheduled for the next day. Just like that the plan that I was SO sure God had for me was gone... changed...different.

I won't go into my feelings on the surgery here... all I'll say is I've never felt so empty in all of my life. The sadness was profound... I couldn't believe we had lost our child just like that. As a mother and a woman... in my mind I had already held that baby in my arms, seen their nursery...sent them off to kindergarten. During the last two weeks our dear friends and family have wrapped their arms tight around us and I know we've been lifted up in prayer. Meals were provided, flowers sent, time spent loving on myself and my husband.

I know God still has a plan, I know He was possibly saving me from something that I couldn't have handled. I have faith that the desires of my heart to have a sweet baby will come to pass all in His time. This too shall be used to show God's grace and glory! To all of the mothers that have been through this I can truly say I am SO sorry and I know exactly how you feel and that my friends is powerful. I am even now more equipped than ever to love on women and show them God's love!!

To everyone who has prayed for, brought food, and just kept us in your thoughts...thank you. We are so blessed by you! As for me, I am good... the joy of the Lord is my strength and life is settling back down. I remind myself that I am still a mother, I have a sweet baby in heaven waiting for me and that is a special thought. I love you dear baby and I will hold you in my arms one day... thank you Lord for your strength during my weakness and thank you dear readers for taking this journey with me...

When Your Dream Becomes Reality...

My life as it is now is something I’ve wanted for a long time. I have prayed fervently for this moment hoping it would come and wondering when that would be and exactly what that would look like. Now that its here I really haven’t embraced the change. You see for a few years now I have wanted nothing more than to be able to stay home and sell vintage, craft, take care of the house and have a nice dinner ready for my sweet husband when he gets home. Now that I have all of that at my fingertips I find myself struggling physically and emotionally. Completely changing the same routine after six years is not as easy as I thought it would be. I remember walking down the halls at my old office wondering if I would ever NOT be doing what I was doing. Thinking there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself battling a depression of sorts… wanting someone to visit with, to talk to and trying to get used to the solitude.

(If you know the source of this photo please let me know)

Have any of you struggled with this kind of change in your life? How did you cope? It’s hard not to give myself a long list of things to do everyday then beat myself up for not completing them all. It’s definitely time to end the pity party and rejoice in the fact that God saw this time as perfect for me to begin a new journey.

Bottled Up...

Something that I have learned along the way is to stop keeping things bottled up inside me. I'm not necessarily speaking of negative thing here either. Really I'm talking about sharing with others on how they may have impacted your life. I think we all crave words of encouragement, I know I do... however, being the one to encourage others can sometimes be much more rewarding. Last week I was able to share with a friend how a book she had written significantly changed my life and the future generations of my household. This is something that changed in me almost two years ago and why I didn't share with her sooner... I have no idea. Today I read one of her blog posts where she talks about how what I shared with her was a blessing she experienced that day. In that moment I believe we bonded on a deeper level than I could have imagined. Two sisters in Christ working for a common goal each blessing the other in profound ways.

I like the way the Lord works and can actually say that I am enjoying the ride. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do but that's because it's His timing and His planning and not my own. Sometimes if we are lucky enough, He gives us little sneak peaks into this plan of His and it's in those moments I am eternally grateful for His bigness! So during this holiday season go ahead and let it out, don't keep your thank yous and encouraging words to yourself... by blessing others you just might be able to bless yourself...

Mended Heart...

Let me tell you a little story of how my heart was broken this weekend. I'll start by saying I have baby fever...BAD. If there is one thing I was put on this earth to do it is be a mother. Ryan and I are finally at a place where we are ready to start trying and fully rely on God to bless us with a family so my emotions are a little crazy at the moment.

Last Thursday when I got home from work I found a scruffy little puppy in my backyard. He was kinda mean and covered in fleas but oh so cute. I decided instantly I wanted to foster him out to a good home but in my heart I wanted to add him to our family. Logically I didn't think keeping the little guy was an option as we already have four pets... I get crazy looks from people when I tell them this so what would they think if I had five?

After a bath and some cuddles he was a new pup and since a cold front came in we just reported him with the lost pet hotline and went to bed. The next day at work I asked around if anyone was interested in adopting the little guy with not much luck. We spent the evening hanging out and as time went on I felt my heart open up to his sweet little face. Saturday morning we took him to the vet to see if he was microchipped which he wasn't and Dr. M was nice enough to give him his shots a bath and some flea meds. We were informed that he is a Yorkiepoo around three to five years old. As Saturday passed I rather enjoyed his company while I cleaned and hung out in my craft room. Feeling like something needed me that was so small just melted my heart and I was really hoping that we would just keep him as we had no takers.

{He kinda looked like this}

All the while I was secretly getting attached I was trying to stay logical...asking myself if I would still want him if I were to get preggers and things of that nature. Could we even afford to have a fifth pet on our vet bill? Later that day our neighbors across the street decided to give him a trial run to see if their sweet daughter could handle the responsibility and that's when my heart broke... I knew it would be a great place for the little guy but in my heart he was already mine. A few days later and the trial is over and now sweet Benny (as they have named him) has an amazing family to shower him with love and attention.

All week I have been trying to fill a baby sized hole in my heart with a puppy... It has been really difficult and to those of you without animals I know I might sound CRAZY! I have prayed for God to mend my heart and for His will to be done in my life and He has answered...after all He IS faithful. In time I will receive the desires of my heart and I will have a little one to care for and love, I have four sweet pets that love me and life is good. Thanks for listening because there is something therapeutic about writing it all out. It's all in His perfect timing...

Music To My Ears...

Last night as an anniversary treat to each other we went and saw Chris Tomlin and Christy Nockles. Needless to say it was a stellar night... people from all over the coastal bend... from different denominations just coming together to worship God.

I had such an amazing time I can't wait to see what artist comes to Corpus next. I sang my heart out and can't believe I still have a voice! I have so much respect for people who sing professionally night after night. It was funny when it was mentioned that for people who might never have had an experience worshiping might just think it was the biggest karaoke contest they've ever seen... and if you are wondering what I am talking about it's because we all sing together and the words are on screens for everyone unlike a mainstream concert.

Sing, sing, sing and make music to the heavens!

Three Years... Wedded Bliss

To think that three years have already come and gone is astounding. Where it seems just like it was yesterday our life before we were married feels like a lifetime ago. Our little house on Staples St., sitting on the back porch hanging with friends...the little stock pile in our office I had created for the wedding. Let's not forget the tiny closets and the even smaller single bathroom that we shared.

Looking back on just how far God has brought the both of us is a miracle... I'm glad that even though at the time we weren't following the Lord that we still invited Him to our wedding. That the foundation our union is built on is a strong one, that will endure many ups and downs. I can't wait to see what adventure this new year together has in store... I am just happy knowing that whatever it is my best friend will be by my side!














I just love looking at these memories of our special day, they are just so magical.

The Sweetest Gift...Friendship

Sometimes there are things in life orchestrated so perfectly we know it was by God's design. When I think of my friendship with Andrea I know that it's a perfect example of one of those things...

Our husbands have been best buds for the past 18 years and both of us knew they have a friendship that will last forever. That being said I know of many couples where the spouses are long time friends and the wives get along but what a blessing for us that we have more than that. Over the past 7 1/2 years our friendship has grown into one that rivals our husbands and I count it as a blessing to have someone to share life with such as her on the level only we can!

{2006}

{2008}

{2007}

I said all of this to show you all the amazing birthday gift that Andi gave me this year. It is something I will treasure forever for many reasons, they mark a season in our friendship that deals with loss and strength and when you experience those things together the bond gets stronger...

I have no clue what it's like to have a sister but I imagine it feels a lot like what we've got... I love you girl... and thank you again for the beautiful gifts...

The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of...

So I saw an ad in the paper for an estate sale on Wednesday afternoon. It was being held a block over from my house Tuesday through Thursday. That day after work I drove by to check the place out and saw a bunch of trash on the curb. I figured that whoever was having the sale either sold everything and this is what was left or decided it wasn't worth it and threw it all out. A couple of the bags peaked my interest but I was too embarrassed to grab them and thought I would check back the next morning.

Cut to Thursday morning, the last day of the sale according to the paper. I drove by on my way to the office to see a bunch of people standing outside looking through the trash pile. I asked one of the nice ladies if there was a sale going on inside to which she replied that no one was answering the door. With that I figured one of my assumptions was correct and continued on to the office.

Ryan picked me up for lunch later that afternoon and said he would help me grab a couple of the trash bags with clothes to go through, so we decided to swing back by. Hey, don't judge me... I'm trying to open a vintage boutique and you just never know!! Well there were some cars at the house and Ryan practically forced me out of the car to go knock on the door. As I walked up I asked the man outside if they had any vintage women's clothing for sale and he told me they had closets full and to come on in.

As I stepped up to the threshold I hesitated due to the smell and looks of the place. I prayed to God that no one had been living in that manner and that the place had just been vacant for years. I didn't want to appear rude and just walk away so again I thought to myself...you just NEVER know.

There was literally nothing in this home other than trash...nothing, yet I proceeded to the closet sure to find something. As I opened it up all I could see was vintage goodness...polyester dresses, big seventies collars and sixties shifts galore! I started pulling EVERYTHING off the rack as fast as I could as I was on my lunch break. As I was finishing up I was lead to a second closet with more goodies. Ryan came up to the doorway in shock as I threw piles in his arms to load up.

The sale was being hosted by the family of the home and in their desperation to clean the place out told me that whatever I wanted was mine free of charge. Can you believe it?? He also told me that there was more in the attic and that they would wait for my return when I got off of work that evening...

Seeing that the house was in rough shape I was a little nervous to venture up there but yet again my curiosity got the best of me... I just HAD to check. I told one of my co-workers what I was up to and she informed me that if I died falling through the ceiling that in my obit she would have it say "She died doing what she loved." so off I went. As I climbed the pull down stairs to the attic I noticed that it was awfully bright for an attic and as I reached the top saw that for every shingle that was in place two or three were missing and that it would be just me and the sky up there.





This place was huge and the gentleman wasn't lying there was a lot of stuff up there... as I looked around at the myriad of boxes and randomness I saw on the far wall a line of clothes and garment bags and I carefully made my way over... Some of the stuff was deteriorating from being exposed to the elements for who knows how long but I found a few pieces in good shape. I then proceeded to open the garment bags to find everything well preserved. I carefully made my way down with my finds and filled my trunk up while thanking the owners as much as I knew how...

As I began sorting through my treasure at home I started thanking God for this huge blessing. Just thinking about it now makes my heart swell with love... oh, how the Father knows the desires of our hearts and fulfills them in his due time. As I've been getting closer to my dream of this boutique I have began second guessing myself unsure if this is the plan God has for my life. If ever there has been a moment of confirmation this was it...

He knew the jewels that lay in the walls of that home and I fully believe he had them stored over there just for me mere yards away from my own home all these years waiting. How may people do you think walked up to that home only to turn away in disgust? I am just overwhelmed with happiness...the closer my relationship with God gets the less I believe in fate and luck. It's all His plan and doing...He orchestrated the whole thing from the beginning to turn out just as it did.

I know this is a wordy post but I just had to get it all down so I don't forget the little miracle that happened in my life years from now when I am fulfilling my destiny... these truly are the things dreams are made of... It was such a God thing, the amount of dresses, the good condition everything was in, the fact that it was all free of charge. The abundance of it all...when God blesses you He never does it half heartedly! The images I've shared are only a portion of what I have but these are a few of my faves...

28th Birthday Coffee Party...

I had the greatest party ever...it was just what I wanted. A few of my friends in an environment that we could just hang out and visit with each other. My sweet husband planned the whole thing with the help of my mom and friend Mel and let's just say I was on cloud nine.

The day started with the most amazing gift from my sweet Mister...the Red Velvet "Sewing Kit Dress" I wanted to order it when it came out but didn't have the funds. Well Ryan assured me that if it was meant to be it would make it's way to my closet and it did!! That surprise was followed by a little trip to the mall to find the perfect shoes to finish off the look...what a day!

That evening Ryan had arranged for some of my friends to come out to our fave local coffee shop Coffee Waves for some cake and gelatto. It was just what I had wanted, an intimate setting where we could just visit and fellowship and not be rushed.

Just seeing everybody there was so humbling and filled my heart with so much joy...that many people there to celebrate me all in different stages of life, what a prayer answered!

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughtful messages and encouraging words...I can't wait to see what God has in store for me this coming year!!

Love Is...

In case you didn't see it last week I guest posted over on a friends blog about what love is to me... I hope you enjoy!

Love Is… Feeding The Need

My husband and I lead the food truck outreach ministry at our church which we lovingly call “Feed the Need”. Once a month we work with the Salvation Army and take their canteen truck out to local shelters to feed the homeless. Not only do we provide those in need with a warm meal but clothing and hygiene products as well.

Needless to say it is a very eye opening experience every time and we feel so honored to be just a little part of what God is doing in our city. Even though our program may seem as though the goal is feeding the homeless it really isn't about that at all. We want to offer these people something eternal and feed their souls with the bread of life. Not just telling people about Jesus and His love for us but actually showing them that love…openly. We model this love by praying with the hurting and just doing life together. Something I always remind myself when I am out there is that if not for the grace of the Lord there go I.

via

Over time God has totally changed my heart for the people of this city and it swells for them and the love they deserve. I’m sure that most days these children of God are shooed away and told to get lost and that is where the love comes in. To reach out with open arms and welcome them into a love so big we can’t bear to keep it to ourselves! Find a need and fill it…that’s what love is to me.

loves- Cookie Louise

Blessed...

It is by God's grace that I have been EXTREMELY busy the past few days. The Lord has blessed me with my first wholesale order so please excuse my lack of posts over the coming week.

I am thrilled to be thought of and asked for this project and although at first was super stressed I remember that He won't give me any more than I can handle! More exciting than the creating is the idea that I will be seeing women wearing something that I made...little ole me. I am so glad four years ago upon graduating college I asked my mom for a sewing machine as my gift. Who would have thought?

The more I keep my eyes and heart focused on God the more He keeps revealing Himself to me, as my ever present Father, Provider and Friend...He is ALL that I need!

So please stop by and leave a little encouragement throughout the week, I certainly appreciate all of your sweet comments!

loves- Cookie Louise