In An Instant... Everything Was Different

There's been a reason for the silence around these parts and I'm hoping that finding myself back into a "normal" routine will be cathartic. Two weeks ago today I was nine weeks pregnant and two weeks ago today I lost my baby. This was our first baby and we were over the moon! On December 30th I was let go from my job of six years, on the 31st we found out that we were expecting. Life was crazy and exciting and it was so obvious to us what God's plans were. As the weeks progressed I felt amazing... like I was one of the lucky ones who were meant to be pregnant. No sickness, no food aversions... I even started showing around seven weeks and had to get some maternity pants. I loved it! Then at eight weeks I had some light bleeding but nothing that was alarming, no pains to accompany it. Ryan thought it best to let the Dr know and so he asked me to come in a couple of days later for a sonogram and blood work.

(5 weeks along)

Oh, how excited I was to be able to hear the heart beat, maybe even see the precious baby floating around in there. I really wanted to leave with a sono picture for the pregnancy journal that I had been keeping. That morning we went in feeling nothing but joy... once the sono started all of that changed. During the sono there was no sound, no discussion, no eye contact. Was this normal? We've never been through this before so we didn't know what to expect but in my heart I knew something was wrong. Even if the baby was still too small to see I knew they would have let us hear something.

(5 Weeks Preggers)

Afterwards, we headed to the Dr's office down the hall and as they took my vitals I saw something written in red ink on my chart. It appeared to say DCN...my heart sank. I tried to calm myself and just wait for the Dr and when he came in the room his face said it all. The baby had stopped growing two weeks or so ago and there was no heartbeat, no viability for life and a D&C was scheduled for the next day. Just like that the plan that I was SO sure God had for me was gone... changed...different.

I won't go into my feelings on the surgery here... all I'll say is I've never felt so empty in all of my life. The sadness was profound... I couldn't believe we had lost our child just like that. As a mother and a woman... in my mind I had already held that baby in my arms, seen their nursery...sent them off to kindergarten. During the last two weeks our dear friends and family have wrapped their arms tight around us and I know we've been lifted up in prayer. Meals were provided, flowers sent, time spent loving on myself and my husband.

I know God still has a plan, I know He was possibly saving me from something that I couldn't have handled. I have faith that the desires of my heart to have a sweet baby will come to pass all in His time. This too shall be used to show God's grace and glory! To all of the mothers that have been through this I can truly say I am SO sorry and I know exactly how you feel and that my friends is powerful. I am even now more equipped than ever to love on women and show them God's love!!

To everyone who has prayed for, brought food, and just kept us in your thoughts...thank you. We are so blessed by you! As for me, I am good... the joy of the Lord is my strength and life is settling back down. I remind myself that I am still a mother, I have a sweet baby in heaven waiting for me and that is a special thought. I love you dear baby and I will hold you in my arms one day... thank you Lord for your strength during my weakness and thank you dear readers for taking this journey with me...